The Two Sides of Self-Reflection - How Guilt Heals and Shame Hides

I feel guilt is one of our most valuable emotions. Let me tell you why. Guilt is our course-correcting emotion. It signals to us that we are out of alignment with our values, with who we want to be. It prompts us to repair, to correct course, to right the ship. Guilt’s focus is on behavior and how a behavior might be out of line with who we are as a human. It presents in the body like a messenger saying “I have regret or remorse over an action I took. I want to make amends for what I did.” It motivates us to repair important relationships, take responsibility and accountability, remain teachable and humble, and/or experience important growth and moral development.

Shame is not guilt. While they might appear similar on the surface, shame is something altogether different. Shame is a focus on self – “I am bad, I should hide, I don’t deserve xyz.” Where guilt focuses on action, shame condemns the whole self. Shame leads to worthlessness, hopelessness, brokenness, stuckness, which is a much more challenging place to repair from, because it motivates you toward belief that you are not worthy of repair.

Shame is often a tool of the inner critic – saying “there is something wrong with me; I am broken beyond repair; I am not worthy of recovery, repair, or healing.”

Where guilt might motivate to seek repaired connection; shame often motivates us to isolate. Shame is also often rooted in some kind of trauma or unmet emotional need, that we are now perpetuating on ourselves.

If at some point in our lives circumstances told us we weren’t valuable, now our shame acts as a self-bullying counterpart reminding us over and over of that message and perpetuating that we are undeserving.

Here’s the good news – becoming aware of these differences is hugely valuable. When we can self-validate “I am a good person who did something outside of my values here. I am eager to repair, because this relationship is valuable to me,” some of the emotional strife is diffused. When we can remind ourselves that it feels very uncomfortable to live outside of alignment with our truest, most value-based self, and that a repairing action will put us back in alignment, there is a propelling to act - not hide.

Where guilt can be productive, motivating, and re-aligning, shame is often destructive. It is not uncommon certainly for all of us to visit shame island, but remaining there can do a lot of damage on our overall mental and physical health. Learning to identify the difference between guilt and shame is one of the ways we can make sure our stay on shame island is a shorter one and gently redirect ourselves back to guilt which reminds us that one action is not the total of who we are.

If you, like most of us in this sweet little online community, struggle with perfectionism, this message may be especially important for you. Those who struggle with perfectionism are much more likely to confuse guilt and shame and to stay in shame longer.

Feeling stuck in shame and not sure where to start? Please find a safe person to talk to. Like plants need sun and water, shame requires secrecy to survive. But shame dissipates when brought to light with a safe person. If you don’t have someone you are certain is safe, or if you do, but you would like to talk with a therapist first, my door is open to you. E-mail me at Brittany.Gilchrist@peaceandpurposecounseling.com